Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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