it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Randomize
