Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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