apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
