I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
3pm strippers are depressing
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
