Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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