I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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