So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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