soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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