Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
