There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
