rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
