i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
