someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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