That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
