I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize