All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
