my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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