I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
