I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
