he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
