I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
