Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
If I die, sorry about rent.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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