Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
