I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
