She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
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he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
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Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.