Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i will never coherently bang her
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
