I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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