I'm going to jail i love you
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
