oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
