Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
