you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
