Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
