What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
