I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
