He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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