Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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