I seem to have left my pride at pride
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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