I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
