tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
