my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
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