oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
