I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize