I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
of course. lets lasso hookers.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
