Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
