Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Randomize
