I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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