in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
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I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
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Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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