I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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