We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
