yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
