I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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