If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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