What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
