he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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