We won't sleep together?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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