Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
