I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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