do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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