I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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