did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
