I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
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Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
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I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
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