your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
